I had another major breakdown a couple of nights ago. My husband was out on a wedding party with his colleagues and I was alone at home. I felt terribly lonely and sad. I knew that days of not having deep conversations with anyone was building me up for this but I ignored it. I chose to be in solitude even at work, talking only when necessary to people around me as the work required me too.
I realized I was up for another breakdown the moment I found myself searching Google for answers to my questions like: “How much solitude is too much?”, or “I don’t have any friends.”
I totally alienated myself and it has kicked me back in my butt with this revenge.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally love solitude, but these past few days, I just needed someone to talk me out of the blues like how a friend did the past couple of years. I actually wanted to reach out to that friend again but what kept me from doing it is the thinking that I just didn’t want to burden him again or anyone for such nonsense like feelings of loneliness lasting for months now. It just gets old, you know? It’s like a stubborn weed that keeps growing no matter how I try to uproot it off my system.
And all along I thought I’m over this already when I decided to set bigger goals and set up a system for me to try to achieve them.
I bailed my eyes out almost all night long, while desperately hoping for an escape out from this life. I wanted to hurt myself physically too. But I didn’t because I’m a coward.
I found myself questioning how I got through decades of solitude without actually having a sole person to confide in. I wanted that back – those years when I relied on no one, when I craved for no company but of my own. Too bad I threw away all my journals when I cleaned out some space last year. I forgot how I did it back then. As far as I can remember, I didn’t long for someone to always talk to at that point.
I’m going to have a lot of digging to do. I can’t let this be a habit. Relying too much on others is not a good option.