Others

I had another major breakdown a couple of nights ago. My husband was out on a wedding party with his colleagues and I was alone at home. I felt terribly lonely and sad. I knew that days of not having deep conversations with anyone was building me up for this but I ignored it. I chose to be in solitude even at work, talking only when necessary to people around me as the work required me too.

I realized I was up for another breakdown the moment I found myself searching Google for answers to my questions like: “How much solitude is too much?”, or “I don’t have any friends.”

I totally alienated myself and it has kicked me back in my butt with this revenge.

Don’t get me wrong. I totally love solitude, but these past few days, I just needed someone to talk me out of the blues like how a friend did the past couple of years. I actually wanted to reach out to that friend again but what kept me from doing it is the thinking that I just didn’t want to burden him again or anyone for such nonsense like feelings of loneliness lasting for months now. It just gets old, you know? It’s like a stubborn weed that keeps growing no matter how I try to uproot it off my system.

And all along I thought I’m over this already when I decided to set bigger goals and set up a system for me to try to achieve them.

I bailed my eyes out almost all night long, while desperately hoping for an escape out from this life. I wanted to hurt myself physically too. But I didn’t because I’m a coward.

I found myself questioning how I got through decades of solitude without actually having a sole person to confide in. I wanted that back – those years when I relied on no one, when I craved for no company but of my own. Too bad I threw away all my journals when I cleaned out some space last year. I forgot how I did it back then. As far as I can remember, I didn’t long for someone to always talk to at that point.

I’m going to have a lot of digging to do. I can’t let this be a habit. Relying too much on others is not a good option.

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A Snippet

I was doing the dishes when he arrived. I was listening to a video about “What To Do When You’re Lonely and Depressed” in the background.

He smiled and puckered his lips playfully waiting for me to kiss him. I gave him a peck and continued what I was doing. Then he noticed the title on video.

“Are you lonely or depressed?” he asked. He was behind my back.

I didn’t answer right away but tears started welling up in my eyes.

I wanted to tell him how the past few months have been a struggle for me, how the dragging of myself out of bed may actually mean more than just burnout from working, and how losing a trusted friend I used to share these episodes before seemed to have brought me back to where I never thought I’d ever be again. I wanted to tell him that even though I still do the routines I have set up the past year in hopes of achieving goals I shared with him, these past few weeks, it all seemed meaningless to me. I wanted to tell him that even though I meditated and exercised and wrote on my journal regularly, they only seemed to provide me with temporary relief.

“Are you hungry?” I asked without answering his question. “Let’s eat.” I said as I faced him with a smile ready.

“Okay.” he replied. Forgetting his initial question.

I cheerily asked him about his day and started my usual lively conversations with him. He didn’t notice what I tried to hide.

My soul felt cold but I chose to be warm to him, I didn’t want him to worry. Not one bit.

Escape

I woke up today with a bitterness in my mouth and the realization that everything that happened to me is all my fault. All of a sudden I have this urging feeling of wanting to go away and get lost away from everyone who knows me. I want to run away from it all.

What if I just live in a place where nobody knows my past or who I am and I just get to live the way I really want to? Alone, free, and no other responsibilities but to myself.

I am dangerous. Even to myself. Most of all, to the people who I have let come close to me. I want no part of that. I want no one expecting anything from me. I don’t want to hurt anyone because of my decisions.

It’s funny how the aching sensations feel so real when you realize how much of what’s happening to you is because of your decisions, or the lack of it.

Maybe I ought to plan on my escape from this all the very soonest. Somewhere cold, maybe.

Scorched

I could feel the scorching heat of the sun across my face. I didn’t mind. Arms crossed across my chest, I stood beside the empty seats on the bus stop waiting for the next ride to arrive. My thoughts fluttered back to you. This weather was the usual weather we used to spend moments on long ago. It still seemed like yesterday to me, those hot middle-of-the-day moments when we used to shelter ourselves beneath the young cherry trees lined up outside the building as you blew air of smokes of cigarettes along the wind away from my face. Those hours we spent talking while you smoked almost two to five sticks in one sitting, while we barely noticed the time passing by.

Some days I wish I had never met you. Maybe my life would be much different from what it is now today. Maybe I would still be hanging out with people who viewed the world in a simple, less complicated way. But I did. And somehow, you and I clicked.

Everything that I wanted to talk about and not finding anyone to talk to, we talked about. It’s like you’re the soulmate to my dreamy, twisted, frustrated, secretly competitive mind, and a haven to my unquenched thirst to deeper conversations that I never dared explore with other people. You always seemed to understand.

You’re gone. And while I thought that I would long be over you in a matter of months, I never was. Maybe I never will be. We never get over those extraordinary connections, do we? To me, it seems like it created a wormhole-like longing for your presence because it just can’t seem to be filled with anything else. There is just no one like you.

So in solitude I crave for you, ever so hoping that I could find another soul who could ignite my mind the way you did.

For now, I’d cherish the solitude that I have chosen in place of you, enjoy the smaller doses of empty conversations with other people around me, only if to bring me a little smile or laughter once in a little while.

Maybe one day I would find someone like you again. Or maybe, I’d bask in this solitude until it becomes too much, scorching me like this midday sun, numb and barren to any more feelings and memories of you.

Boring

I despise feeling boredom. Yet I almost always feel it.

I remember during summer breaks, my mother would ask me every once in a while if I was bored. She seemed to know how to read me best. Like most days of my life, I would find myself staring into empty space wishing there’s a new adventure every single time. The irony is, I hated going out.

The past few months I have been through a lot of adventures though. I have never felt more alive. I traveled new places, experienced new food, jumped heights despite my fear of it, and lots more of activities I never thought I could do in such a short span of time. My heart has never had so much content in all those days.

Three weeks after my last vacation, I find myself bored once again. I’m back to those days when I have to drag myself out of bed just so I could go to work.

I feel absolutely bored.

I look at all the goals I have listed for myself and how long its going to take me to achieve one and it makes me sick, unmotivated even.

And I thought I’d be back on track to the previous momentum I had on being productive after my last getaway.

Sadly, I am not. Emotions are so weird.

So now I lazily sit here wasting away minutes of my day thinking how I just want days to move forward to those days that I have vacations booked, where I don’t have to do anything but to look forward to the uncertainty and joy of being in a new place and doing new things I have never done before.

For now, I just have to do things in hopes that I wake up to seeing my long term goals achieved regardless how bored I feel, I guess. Ugh.

Hey, It’s Alright

Hey, it’s alright. That feeling of being stuck in a rut even though you still continue to do the things you promise you would do to achieve your goals? Those are just feelings. It’s that tiny voice in your head trying to keep you in your comfort zone. It’s okay. Not everything you think about is real. Not everything you feel is a reality. Chill out. Fret not. Keep going.

That mocking voice that tells you everything will go nowhere as you look at all the days gone by? Ignore it. Stick to the plan. You have a game plan right? You don’t always have to see the whole pathway, just keep your focus on a single step and you’ll get there. Don’t be scared. Don’t be sad.

Keep writing, keep on hustling, keep on evaluating and modifying your habits and actions towards your goal. You can do it. The fog will soon clear out. Be patient. Be patient. Be patient.

Talk Is Cheap

Talk is cheap, he says; and he proves himself right
Not doing what he always says, always choosing to be cheap
Rome wasn’t built in a day, he quotes, watching me labor for nothing
’cause he already knew that this Rome will never rise.

I toil in vain and smile as I look at him from a pedestal
While he throws some sayings he pulled from some online clips
I give all credit to my success blindly to him, yet he sees me not
’cause I’m but a breeze he can never see.